Berlin Blog

Vincent Gallo

is either in need of serious help, or simply really gets off on appearing to be a racist, conservative, asshole.  Since he's collaboarted with so many reputable artists, I'm sometimes inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, but some of the stuff he spews is beyond benefit-of-the-doubt territory.

He posted this (quickly removed) eBay auction last week:

"Up for auction is Vincent Gallo's sperm. Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo’s multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo’s sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5’11” and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it’s a boy. (8 inches if he’s like his father.) I don’t know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can’t hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo’s sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child. Good luck bidding."

Freeeeeeak - a - zoid.

Sublime

If there's a single artist I had to point to as having had the singlemost profound effect on my life as a musician and human being over the last, say, 15 years, that person would be Mark Kozelek.

Mark's first band, Red House Painters, released 3 of my top 10 records of all time, and I don't actually even keep a top 10 list so that has to say something.

Mark is going to release a collection of cover versions of Modest Mouse songs in a few weeks.

One of these songs, "Ocean Breathes Salty" has officially become the only song I care to listen to at the moment (aside, perhaps, from Kanye Wests' "Roses").  You can download it as an mp3  here.

In fact, I'm starting to think that if no one else ever writes or releases another song, it won't matter much. 

The lyrics to "Ocean Breathes Salty" are as follows:

Your body may be gone, but I'm gonna carry you in In my head, and in my heart, in my soul. And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so Well that is that and this is this You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get You get away from me. You get away from me. Collected my belongings and I left the jail Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in? In your head, and in your mouth, in your soul And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so Well that is that and this is this You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get You get away from me. You get away from me Collected my belongings and I left the jail Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile Well that is that and this is this Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed, when the ocean met the sky You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye When the earth folded in on itself And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath" You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death? You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death? The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in? In your head, and in your mouth, in your soul The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the heck could I mind? Well that is that and this is this You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get You get away from me. You get away from me Well that is that and this is this Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed, when the ocean met the sky -- You can see the video for the original version of the song here. Otherwise, Mark's latest project "Sun Kil Moon," along with some information about his previous projects, is Online here. Finally, since this song has more or less become my personal soundtrack for making preparations to depart Berlin, I thought I'd list my top 5 reasons for the impending departure (March 2006), even though I don't really keep a top 5 list: 1. American highways 2. The feeling that the horizon is far off in the distance 3. Because if everyone like me stays away from America forever, it will never have a chance to get better 4. The foreboding sense that the longer I stay here, the more my approach to life will become increasingly pragmatic, to the point that I will eventually lose what it is that I'm most afraid of losing (in addition to my sense of humor, which was previously everpresent). 5. I want what was foreign to feel foreign again, so that I can enjoy it as a foreigner again someday How are you doing, one of the 75.6 people who stops by here on a daily basis?  Did you like the song?

Avian Flu

Perhaps it's more a sign of my ignorance that anything else, since Avian Influenza has been around for nearly a decade without becomming a human-to-human deal, but apparently there's been a run on Berlin-area drugstores in the last two days and Tamiflu is out of stock everywhere (well, everywhere except for eBay, that is), and I'm getting antsy.

In the (hopefully) unlikely event that Berlin (or anywhere) gets hit, do you:

1. Conceal yourself in your apartment with 6 months of canned produce.

2. Catch the next available flight to far, far away.

or

3. Pretend like nothing's happening, even if you're well aware that the German government (or any other government, for that matter) hasn't stockpiled enough of the good stuff to keep the Leute alive.

Whatever happens (which I hope will be not much), I'm pretty sure the price of chicken is about to drop.

Merkel is

in the house.

But to be honest, I would be happier if she were the Mayor of Merkel, Texas, "The Windmill City."

Check out number 17 on Merkel's list of community improvements:

"17. Develop a RV park that will also accommodate the new generation of RVS  featuring pullouts and side body chassis. "

Good idea, Merkel!

What the hell is a pullout?

And finally, somebody has to do something about the first image which shows up for "Merkel" via a Google images search.  Yuck.