Berlin Blog

Wacky German Humor and Laws

So check it out - it turns out that the Deutsche Welle story about the guy who wants to straighten the world's bananas (see October 20th, below) is, unbeknowst to Deutsche Welle, a hoax. It turns out that Karl-Friedrich Lentze is an "artist" who specializes in the absurd.

Among other things, Lentze has (sorry if you're about to eat), "applied for permission to open a restaurant that would serve urine goulash and 'Mommy's Muffins' (muffins made from breast milk)," and written "to zoos asking them whether they'd be willing to feed his body to piranhas after he died."

Freak.

a.

zoid.

Anyway, the piranha thing reminded me of something a friend told me a few days ago: there's no such thing as "spreading your loved ones ashes over a lake" in Germany.

"German law," interestingly enough, "forbids the handling of remains, including cremated ones, by private individuals." More about laws related to dying in Germany here. In America, you can drive around from one shopping mall to another with Uncle Frank in a brown paper bag, and nobody (well, except for maybe Uncle Frank, if he were alive) cares.

Coming soon: Posts less left-field than this.

Minipops Book Release!

Berlin-based illustrator/artist/friendly bloke Craig Robinson, of flipflopflyin.com fame, has just published a Minipops book. If you're not familiar with Craig's work, you should be. I can think of no better (or more affordable!) Christmas gift for the pop culture lover in your life than a copy of Minipops.

German Stereotypes Reinforced!

Stereotypes are bad, kids. That said, they're also - sometimes, anyway - amazingly accurate!

As a long-time American resident of Germany, I'm frequently confronted with stereotypical thinking involving Germany and Germans from friends and relatives abroad, and usually I try to play down the degree to which certain stereotypes reflect real life.

Because, as I mentioned when I started, stereotypes are bad.

That said, one of the best and worst things about German culture (wait for the generalization. . .) is the degree to which order, punctuality and logic dominate. The positive side to this story is that trains run on time, the streets are clean, private space is respected, and the rules are, by and large, followed.

On the flip side, however, sometimes the rules are followed too closely (or not questioned when they need to be), and an over-emphasis on order and structure leads to absurdity. This mostly happens, in my experience, when too much logic/order/rationality is applied to areas of life in which logic/order/rationality is simply not the point.

Here are a few examples of what I'm getting at:

Example One

Deutsche Welle, usually an excellent English-language resource for German news, posted the following feature to its Website a few days ago as serious news: "Berlin Man Wants End to Bendy Bananas"

I shit you not.

Karl-Friedrich Lentze, "fed up with the inconvenient curved shape of bananas . . . has developed a method to take away the yellow-skinned fruit's distinctive curve," by cutting chunks "out of the banana, which will then be bound back together using biologically safe bandages."

Somebody call The Onion.

The "inconvenient curved shape of bananas" parts just kills me. I mean, don't get me wrong - I love bananas - I just can't stand their annoying curved shape!

The idea here, I guess, being that people (German people?) would prefer straight bananas. And that, ostensibly, they'd be easier to store. "The straight cigar-banana will drive the curved banana from the market," says Lentze.

What I find particularly amazing about the article is that it's presented without any hint of fun or irony. How could a reasonable person write an article about doing away with curved bananas without losing it completely?

Dear Karl-Friedrich Lentze,

There are any number of serious problems in the world, but curved bananas are not among them.

Sincerely,
The World

P.S. - How will poor kids play "telephone" in the future if you straighten all of the bananas, Mr. Smartypants?

Example Two

Everybody loves chocolate. Chocolate tastes good. Chocolate fulfills our craving for chocolate. When we eat chocolate, we say to ourselves and others: "I could give two shits about my waistline or the sugar content of this delicious treat, this chocolate is nothing more than a little piece of heaven and blisses me out."

The most popular chocolate made in Germany is Ritter Sport, which comes in a kazillion flavors.

The slogan for Ritter Sport, prominently featured in their advertisements and recited by schoolkids across the country, is: "Ritter Sport: Quadratisch. Praktisch. Gut." Which translates to: "Ritter Sport: Square. Handy. Good."

Only in Germany, to my knowledge, are the geometric shape and physical practicality of a chocolate bar among its main selling points.

Example Three

My girlfriend was in a bakery here in Berlin recently, and she ordered a pastry. She had ordered the very same type of pastry at the very same bakery a few times before. No big deal, right?

Wrong!

The bakery was having a "3-for-99-Cents" special on the day in question (foiled!), and the woman behind the counter refused to let her order just one. Refused.

When she asked why she simply couldn't purchase one pastry for 33 Cents (or even at the regular price), the woman in the bakery replied that, "Today this pastry is only available as 3-for-99-cents, and that's the only option."

My girlfriend left without the pastry.

Amazing, but true.

Tourists Suck a Donkey's Ass

Well . . . sometimes, anyway.

One thing that's unique about living overseas for an extended period of time (seven years and counting, in my case) is that it becomes more and more easy to spot different kinds of tourists, particularly if you're an American observing other Americans.

I have a few American friends in town who generally look down on other Americans who happen to be passing through Berlin as tourists (or students), which I think is unfortunate. On the other hand, though, sometimes it's hard for me to not be entertained in a sinister way by some of the crazy tourist action that I come across on a daily basis.

An example:

My girlfriend was waiting to meet me outside of Hachescher Markt (an S-Bahn/Subway Station) a few months back, when she (an American) came across a small group of touring college-age Americans just as one of them shouted out, in a thick southern accent, "Hey, y'all, why don't we just go for a quick bite to eat right there in the Hackey Sack Market?!?"

Which is an awesome thing to hear for any number of reasons.

On the flipside, another time I was the only customer in a little coffee shop in the same area - one morning before work - and I had the good fortune to overhear the two hipster women working there imitate the American tourists they deal with on a daily basis for a solid 15 or 20 minutes (I guess they assumed I was German).

In amazingly convincing valley-girlish accents, they mocked any number of tourist classics:

"It's, like, really cool n-all to be in Berlin, like, because our hotel is, like, right by Zoo Station n stuff."

"Yeah, like, but I feel really at home in Mitte and stuff, like, because the fashion is, like, so advanced."

"Oh my god, it's, like, so fucking cold here I can't, like, believe people can even, like, stand it n stuff."

What was cool was, when I left - having spoken German to them when I ordered (n stuff) - I said, "Cool, so, like, see you guys later."

Which reminds me of a story a friend of mine told me about sitting on a bus in Chinatown in S.F. a few years back. The only Chinese phrase he had ever learned was "It's ok - I don't mind." After sitting across from three women who kept looking over at him, turning back to each other, discussing something about him in Chinese and then busting out laughing (which went on for several minutes), he approached them as the bus reached his stop and dropped his only Chinese phrase on them, resulting in a massive uproar in which all the other Chinese people on the bus laughed their asses off at the women in question.

Anyway, what I wanted to say about American tourists, and my coming across them in Berlin (when I started writing this, anyway) is that I like being around them. And not for the sinister entertainment value that they occasionally afford, but just because I'm so out of touch with what it means to be "an American" (as if it were possible to spell out) that I find them both fascinating and comforting at the same time.

In other news, here's a copy of the advertisement for the election night action at the Sony Center:

Finding a Job in Berlin + Another Direct Flight

So after a few months of posting, I've just had my 1,000th visitor (yipee!), and having looked through the stats, it seems that most of the people checking this blog out are looking for information about living and working in Berlin (apart from the people, that is, searching for "Nazi fashion" or "peeing in Germany," which, scarily enough, is more than a few).

So here's a list of potential places of employment here in Berlin - the link pointing directly to current vacancies where posible. What more could you ask for in a Berlin blog, blog visitor?

Two things to keep in mind before you try to land a job in Berlin:

1. As I've mentioned previously, it's friggin' cold in this town from mid-October to mid-March, so bring your mittens.

2. The unemployment rate is nearly 20%, so although it's not impossible to land something here, it's also not amazingly easy.

and finally,

3. If you're trying to escape to Europe from the United States (which is completely understandable, by the way, and will be infinitely more understandable if W. gets reannointed), there's a much easier way to do so, but you'll have to wait a few more days for my official "Guide to Escaping America" feature.

Those formalities out of the way, here goes:

eBay (German headquarters are on the western edge of the city, supposedly a very international staff)
Jamba (They make ringtones/artwork for cell phones and horrible t.v. commercials - links to a Monster.de search)
Universal Music
U.S. Embassy
John F. Kennedy School
Sony Germany (Headquarters on Potsdamerplatz)
CNN/Turner (CNN has a small office in Berlin, with occasional openings - this site tends to feature London-based positions)
The Gallup Organization (The office is in Potsdam, just outside of Berlin)
Axel Springer (Publisher)
Trendence (A research agency)
Google (Ok, so their based in Hamburg . . . whatever)
English Express (Translation company)

Places to teach English in Berlin:

Wall Street Institute
Berlin School of English
Die Neue Schule
Fokus
Inlingua
Koudassov
F+U International Academy
Hartnack Schule
Logo Language School

I'll add to this list over the coming months.

Otherwise, in my previous post I mentioned Delta's upcoming direct service between New York and Berlin, and now Continental has now also announced that they'll service the same route beginning in July, 2005. More here.

Berlin to New York City Direct Flight!

Delta just announced that they'll introduce direct daily flights between Berlin (Tegel) and New York (JFK) in May of next year (2005), which is great news for those of us accustomed to a three flight minimum to get to anything other than major U.S. cities from Berlin.

I would guess that most people not familiar with travelling to/from Berlin would assume that, as a European capital of 3.3 million, there would be numerous direct flights to/from the U.S. Well, guess again people not familiar with travelling to/from Berlin, this will be the first direct service in over three years!

Go here for more: http://www.iht.com/articles/542805.htm

Otherwise, while I'm on the subject, if you're looking for inexpensive flights from Berlin to other destinations within Europe, these are four budget airline sites worth checking out:

Easy Jet:

Germania:

Air Berlin:

Hapag Lloyd:

(Note that Germania wins the "coolest looking airplane" artwork contest.)

Handbook for Foreigners in Germany

A friend in town for the night last night pointed out a great Web-based guide for foreigners living in Germany: http://www.handbuch-deutschland.de

It's available in six languages, and you can get a printed copy (via the "publisher/order" link), which is supposedly even more informative than the site, at no cost.

I think I'm going to eventually divide the blog into information about living and working in Berlin/Germany and totally random nonsense.

One of my goals is to write a mini guidebook called "How to Escape from the United States," detailing my tips for how to best get overseas and stay, and I also want to start posting more useful information about what to check out in Berlin. So, like, stay tuned or something, Berlin blog visitor.

2004 South Carolina Absentee Ballot

Yeehoo! So I got my ballot for the upcoming U.S. Presidental election yesterday, and I can't wait to fill in the little box in for John Kerry and John Edwards.

In fact, the only thing really curbing my enthusiasm in casting this vote is that South Carolina went decidely Republican the last time around (Nader got 20,200 votes in SC, but isn't included here):

And, for that matter, tends to go Republican whenever it gets a chance:

http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2004/pages/pre/SC/history.html

That said, even though South Carollina isn't considered a "swing state," there's a faint glimmer of hope somewhere in the back of mind my that my fellow South Carolinians will come to their senses and vote Bush/Cheney/Wolfowitz/et. al. out of office:

I mean, John Edwards was born in South Carolina, and should score big points for his southern-ness, right?

You can take a look at scans of my ballot and the list of candidates here:

My Ballot

List of Candidates/Instructions

I'm going to pretend not to be bothered by the poor grammar and typos in the instructions.

Update! After completing the ballot, it became painstakingly clear that its designated envelope was way too small, and it was impossible to get the ballot into the required envelope without warping it. I just hope it makes it to the office in question without getting seriously bent! What are you thinking, South Carolina election officials?!?

Finally, while I'm on an election tip, the Cinestar in the Sony Center on Potsdamerplatz is having a free election party on the night of Nov. 2nd, featuring live coverage of the results as they are announced on the big screen (via CNN and other networks), and, um, "American snacks." More information - in German - here.

Berlin Concert Venues Explained

To almost paraphrase the late, great Wesley Willis, "Berlin is a place to rock."

That said, some Berlin concerts venues are much better suited to the needs of today's discerning hipster than others. Here, my friend, is a not-totally-complete rundown. Print it out and keep it in your pocket for your next trip to our fair city, disregard it completely, or do something in between - the choice is yours.

Magnet Club: Friendly people, easy to get to, but almost always sold out and overcrowded when a higher-profile band (Grandaddy, Hot Hot Heat) rolls into town. Sweat Factor: 7/10 // Smoke Factor: 8/10 // Band(s) I've Seen There Semi-Recently: Grandaddy, Hot Hot Heat

Knaack Club: Just down the street from the Magnet. Ditto on the sold-out/overcrowded thing but with a much wider range of view than the Magnet. Sweat Factor: 10/10 // Smoke Factor: 9/10 // Band(s) I've Seen There Semi-Recently: The Thermals, Division of Laura Lee

Passionskirche: An old (but still active) church off of Bergmannstr. in Kreuzberg. Complete with pew-style wooden seating. Sweat Factor: 0/10 // Smoke Factor: 0/10 // Band(s) I'll See There Soon: The Magnetic Fields

S036: A straight-up, no frills "hall" with a stage on one end on Oranienstr., Berlin's punk-rock headquarters. Sweat Factor: 9/10 // Smoke Factor: 9/10 // Band(s) I've Seen There Semi-Recently: The Streets

Wild at Heart: A punk-rock hole in the wall. Sweat Factor: 11/10 // Smoke Factor: 11/10 // Band(s) I've Seen There Semi-Recently: El Guapo

Columbia Fritz: This place used to be an Air Force movie theater - right across from Flughafen Tempelhof. Sweat Factor: 8/10 // Smoke Factor: 9/10 // Band(s) I've Seen There Semi-Recently: Phoenix

Columbiahalle: Big brother to the smaller Columbia Fritz, this is where those bands who have "taken it to the next level" rock crowds of a few thousand at a time. Sweat Factor: 7.5/10 // Smoke Factor: 7.5/10 // Band(s) I've Seen There Semi-Recently: Jimmy Eat World

And while we're here, I'd like to officially lodge a complaint against the phrase "taking it to the next level/to a higher level/to a different level (etc.)," which is primarily employed by athletes, musicians (hello hip hop star!) and nameless journalists/pundits/hangers-on everywhere.

It is no more possible to take your rhymning skills "to a whole different level" than it is to take your golf swing "to the next level." Get this: there are no "levels!"

While you may very well be able to make changes to both your chosen mode of expression and/or athletic talent, at no time will you reach anything resembling "another level."

Other levels are the exclusive domain of buildings, sections of the sky, and scientists.

So get off your high horse, stop dreaming, and get on with the program, blog reader.